A blonde completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.

She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, "You're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"

"Because," explained the blonde, "he is the first man that ever said to me 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

A preacher decided to call on a member of his church one Friday night, but arrived to find a party in full swing.

On entering the house, he saw a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.

The embarrassed preacher turned to the host and said, "I'm sorry, I don't think I'd fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," said the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

Pappu was dating with his new girlfriend in hotel room.

Girl Friend: `I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table.`

Pappu climbs into bed slowly and says: `Honey, would you pass the boobs please?`

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed: _______
Date: _____

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.

"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked.

"I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today " the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't

Joe returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Jane that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Joe went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Jane agreed and again they made love. Later, Joe was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Jane's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Joe, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up, "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Joe, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"

A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady.

She walks up to him and says, "They tell me that you people don't wear anything under those kilts."

The Scotsman says, "Feel and see for yourself."

So she did and says, "Oh, that's gruesome!"

He says, "Try it again, it grew some more"