A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded, "Do something about this baby."

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished.

"He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said sternly. "Is he being breast fed?"

"Yes," replied the woman.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at some length. Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem.

"You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid."

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's' and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

David went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed nude for a picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably, just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

David said, "Her driver's license."

Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday.

A prostitute always sat outside and called out, "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while wiggling her pinkie).

Little Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinkie at him.

"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him.

The next day, Little Johnny walked by and she did it again, (wiggling her pinkie), "Hi Little Johnny!"

To which Johnny replied, (putting his fingers in his mouth to spread apart his lips and stretched out his mouth), "How you doing, lady!"

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

There are four types of sex in a marriage:

Kitchen Sex:
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.

Bedroom Sex:
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

Hallway Sex:
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you."

Courtroom Sex:
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

A lady was laying on the doctor's table, waiting for her annual pap test. The doctor came in, and as he was preparing himself, she mentioned that she had 6 kids.

He said, "Yeah, I can tell...you have the biggest box I have ever seen!"

She was offended as hell, and after she got home, she went into the bathroom, took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look for herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her.

When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "I am doing my exercises."

He responds with concern, "Well, be careful. You're about to fall into that huge hole in the floor!"

A guy applied to join a nudist club.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy,"...count me in!!!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... you've had two warnings!"

A large multi-million-dollar company placed an ad in "PERSONNEL WANTED":
Multi-million-dollar CONDOM company looking for CEO, executives, managers, sales representatives, etc.
Successful applicants must be:
A Male.
Age 20 - 55.
No degree necessary.
No experience necessary.
Negotiable, Attractive salary package.
Position based entirely on length of member.

The moment Jack saw this ad he knew that this was the chance of a lifetime. His "member" measured 18 inches at rest. He was quite sure he would be CEO or at the very least one of the company's senior executives. He decided to drop by the company that same day. There was no one at the office except for the janitor slowly sweeping the floor.
Jack, "Excuse me. I'm here in response to the ad. Where is everybody ?"
Janitor, "They are all upstairs celebrating the new CEO."
Jack, "Perhaps it's not too late. If they see me, I am sure I will be CEO here. My member is 18 inches long !!!"
Janitor, "I saw the ad this morning too. Perhaps you can be my assistant." He lifts his trouser's leg up just a little to reveal the head of his member.... "and I'm just the janitor."