Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

Top 24 Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex...
1. You can GET chocolate.

2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

5. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.

7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

8. You can have chocolate on your desk without upsetting your workmates.

9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

10. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

11. If you love me you'd swallow" has real meaning with chocolate.

12. With chocolate there is no need to fake it.

13. Chocolate doesn't get you pregnant.

14. You can have chocolate anytime of the month.

15. Good chocolate is easy to find.

16. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

17. You are never too old or too young for chocolate.

18. When you are having chocolate it doesn't keep the neighbours awake.

19. With chocolate, size doesn't matter...it's always good.

20. You don't have to beg to get chocolate.

21. You can have chocolate with little kids and not go to prison.

22. Chocolate doesn't keep you awake yapping after you've had it.

23. You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk OK on Monday.

24. It's easy to find 8 inches of chocolate.

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

A honeymoon couple returned home barely on speaking terms.

The best man asked the groom what the problem was.

The groom explained: ''After making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a 50 dollar bill on the pillow without thinking.''

''Don't worry,'' said the groom reassuringly. ''She'll get over it. She surely didn't think you've been saving yourself all these years?''

''Maybe,'' said the groom, ''but I don't know if I'll get over it - she gave me 20 dollars change!''

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: "Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks?"

Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room.

He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on.

"Playing cards," she replies.

"Who's your partner?" asked little johnny.

"Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room.

Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing.

"Playing cards."

"With who?" he asks.

"My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room.

He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?"

"Playing cards!" replied Johnny.

"Who's your partner?" asked his father.

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

Women witt big breasts...
...can get a taxi on the worst days.
...have a neat place to carry spare change.
...have always been the centre of the arts (art).
...make jogging a spectator sport.
...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub.
...always float better.
...know where to look first for lost earrings.
...rarely lack for a slow dance partner.
...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner.

Women with small big breasts...
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public.
...always look younger.
...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap.
...can always see their toes and shoes.
...can sleep on their stomachs.
...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars.
...know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts.
...know that everything more than a handful is wasted.
...can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle.