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Gift From God! :

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay cheque.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

After much yelling about the preacher's children costing the church so much, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God."

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoats."

The congregation said: "Amen!!!"

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Definitions by Gender

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup or say batting with abdomen guard.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

9. BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun or goal. Also good for mooning.

Football vs Sex

1. Going to your bf/gf without being invited = OFFSIDE.

2. Dating a girl today and having sex on the same day = FREE-KICK.

3. Condom = GOALKEEPER

4. Condom breaks = PENALTY

5. Abortion = RED CARD

6. A girl with lots of energy = CAPTAIN

7. Having sex without a condom = OWN GOAL

8. Taking a lot of time without coming = MAN OF THE MATCH

9. Banging 3 girls in a day = HAT-TRICK

10. Having many chicks and banging all = MVP

11. Having sex with your ex = FRIENDLY MATCH

12. 8 years of sex without getting a child = ARSENAL

13. After 2 rounds, u request for more =EXTRA TIME

14. Taking it gently when having sex = FAIR PLAY

15. Biting her n!pples = SUAREZ

16.Two legs on shoulder = THROWIN

17. Asking her 'how do you want it' = Taking instructions on the sideline.

18. A lady using pills after sex and later still got pregnant = DEFENSIVE ERROR

19.Girl being pregnant = GoOoOoOallllll

20.Your guy collect your chick= True pass

21.Having sex with a girl..and your mum open d door= Injury

22.You and your girl break up= Game over

23. Girl tell you to stop= YELLOW CARD**

 

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Love, Lust, or Marriage?

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married? For those of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$
MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.